Dear Suppression,
Once I had subdued my jealousy to a containable simmer, I decided to study Billie, for future reference. Despising him from afar would do me no good; I had to get closer to my self imposed enemy.
After our last meeting I was under the impression Billie was a man who had melted down all the gold in his personality and poured it down his throat. He had been like a silent goliath frozen in time, monumental but defenceless against the corroding rain.
In Ollie’s company, however, he regains his vitality. I have never seen someone laugh with such force before; I caught myself giggling at the shudder it sent through the bushes.
He seems to be magnified by Ollie’s unwavering friendship; in this state I truly believe they could both politely ask the rain to return back to the clouds, and it would oblige.
Sitting beside them in the reverse rainfall I realised I had not seen Ollie smile in a very long time. His face creased into laughter lines I had not noticed before.
Needless to say, I felt such a strong flash of disappointment at myself I expected I might immediately disintegrate. I have now been living with Ollie for 184 days and not once had I brought such innocent joy to him the way Billie does.
I was suddenly fascinated by Billie so fiercely and hated my inadequacy so abhorrently I knew if my emotions ever materialised they would create a galaxy in front of me with the force of their paradox. The pressure of the polarity crushed my lungs into a new dimension.
I excused myself, crept to my room, and waited for Billie to leave. I did not know how to escape my sudden angry admiration for him, a feeling that spilled into a desperate need for his respect; a respect that equalled what the two men had for each other.
I walked in circles in my room until I no longer wanted to steal Billie from Ollie, and Ollie from Billie.
I crawled across my floorboards until I no longer wanted to barge into their conversations for recognition.
I slept until I no longer wanted a world with only the three of us in it.
I’m afraid I am still very tired and must return to bed. I do not understand the sudden strength of this, but I will write again soon.
Your exhausted disciple,
Know my Voice; I am Temporary 